Those anxious nights

I’m laying in my bed. I have to sleep. I want to sleep. But she doesn’t let me. I can feel her giggling and tickling me on the inside. She thinks she is better than me. She thinks she can control me. She thinks she can surprise me with her sudden visits at random times and places. Well I have a surprise for her too.

Are you ready?

Now listen. You can never amuse me with your presence. Wondering why? Because I am awlays expecting you. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming.  And I actually want to thank you, because after every visit I get the best feeling.  A relief.

…and then, I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is enough?

 

–  Vincent van Gogh

Once on a yellow piece of paper

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it “chops”
because that was the name of his dog
and thats what it was all about
his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts.
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny nails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
and that’s what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kithcen door
beause of the new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometime they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see santa claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
and thats what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostles’s Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much make up
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
becuase it was the thing to do
and at 3 am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

that’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
because that’s what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen—-

This is a poem from the book  “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” . If you haven’t read it yet you should definitely fix that. The book is very catchy and easy to read. There is also a movie directed by the author (Stephen Chbosky) himself. Because of the movie the book also became so popular lately. Some people who don’t like to be “mainstream” are avoiding it  or say that it’s not good. But my personal opinion is that the book is brilliant and if you struggle from some kind of depression/anxiety, you will enjoy it.

Intro

I’m a 21 year old girl from Europe. I can’t remember the last time I was truly satisfied by life. They are many events that brought me here.

My parents have split when I was.. I don’t even know. I never had a real father by my side and I believe that is one of the main reasons for my relationship issues. I grew up with my mother’s family (her parents and brother), because she was practically a teenager when she gave me birth. We’ve always been poor. That’s why i hate it when someone asks me about my family. And that’s why I hate Holidays.

One thing I hate about me are my crooked teeth. I never had the chance and money to fix them and that’s some sort of a dream for me. They are the reason for my low self esteem and my awkwardness around people. As a kid I was bullied because of them (and other things but I don’t care about them anymore). In time  I just stopped smiling and started to avoid people.

Last year I moved  out  and started university after a gap year. I couldn’t really enjoy that experience because of my ex. We were together for 3 years  and that relationship fucked me up on so many levels. It turned out that a big part of it was an illusion in my head. Short after I started to have panic attacks.

Currently I am back home because I got fired from my job and I don’t have money to pay rent. I also can tell that I have no friends left.

Now that I have so much free time I decided to create this blog and share my experience and views on depression. I’ll be glad if I can help someone and make a friend. Since no one else understands.